notes: Principles by Ray Dalio

*first half of personal story went fast, the second half of principles and lists was a hard slog.

• ref. Campbell's Hero's Journey -- "returning the boon" -- Once the boon is returned, the hero is free to live and then free to die. 
• Lessons of History, 104pg W. Durant and River Out of Eden, R. Dawkins about evolution

• Life Principles -- Radical open-mindedness, requires you to replace your attachment to always being right with the joy of learning what's true.
• Self-interest or collective interest ... which of these forces wins out is a function of the organization's culture
• amygdala hijacking -- emotional 
• 18 months for behavior to stick /
•  Power of Habit, by Charles Duhigg

• Radical truth and radical transparency fundamental to having a real idea meritocracy
• integrity - whole, one way inside and out. 
• i choose to live out my values around excellence, meaningful work and meaningful relationships
• expect people to behave in a manner that is consistent with how people in high-quality, long-term relationships behave -- high level of mutual consideration for each other's interests and clear understanding of who is responsible for what.
• Fairness v Generousity -- don't make mistake of thinking act of generosity for some is same as entitlement for all.
• Generosity is good and entitlement is bad / 
• Be on the far side of fair -- more consideration to others than you demand for yourself. Each party says you deserve more. 

• Okay to make mistakes / unacceptable not to learn from them. Pain is a message that something is wrong. 
• If you don't mind being wrong on the way to being right you'll learn a lot and increase your effectiveness. 
• You must not let your need to be right be more important than your need to find out what's true. 
• Pain + Reflection = Progress
• Thoughtful disagreement is not a battle; its goal is not to convince the other party that they are wrong and you are right, but to find out what is true and what to do about it. 
• Most people have problems being assertive and open-minded at the same time. 

Getting in sync -- start by assuming you're either not communicating or listening well instead of blaming the other party. 

• Their bad behavior doesn't justify yours.

Believe opinions

• more likely come from people who have successfully done it three times / and can explain cause-effect relationships that led them to their conclusions
• Think about whether you're playing role of Teacher, Student or Peer

People

• need people with excellent character and excellent capabilities
• assess people based on both their reasoning and their outcomes
• people's performance: learning and ability

Every case

• moving closer goal? and to train and test your machine (people and design)

as Manager

• perceive and not tolerate problems
• "Taste the Soup"

to Diagnose Problems - all outcomes come from people and designs

• is outcome good or bad?
• if bad, is Resp. Person incapable or Design bad?
• How should have machine worked? 
• keep asking why?
• Goal - get at the best answers, not to make most people happy

Goals

• focused on goals you're excited about
• 
  

notes: How to Write a Autobiographical Novel

by A. Chee. a mixed Korean-American. so now i have two people on my Korean-Am Hall of Fame.

1.  John Cho
2. Alexander Chee

onto the notes:

• querent - one having Tarot reading done, seeker. [so i learned a new word]
• while training to be yoga teacher, learned about the siddhis, the gifts. undue power over others, but also a obstacle to enlightenment. 
• i learned the first three pages of a draft are usually where you clear your throat, that most times, the place your draft begins is around page four. That if the beginning isn't there, sometimes it's at the end, that you've spent the whole time getting to your beginning, and that if you switch the first and last pages you might have a better result than if you leave them where they were. 
• Remember adverbs are a sign that you've used the wrong verb. 
• Frank Conroy to him: "You succeed, you celebrate, you stop writing. You don't succeed, you despair, you stop writing. Just keep writing. Don't let success or failure stop you. Just keep writing."
• the only things you must have to become a writer are the stamina to continue and a wily, cagey heart in the face of extremity, failure, and success. 
• cat's eye, m. atwood. different povs
• you don't know who will make it and who will not, and students' previous work may or may not be an indicator of what they can do, good or bad.
• Most of what Annie Dillard taught me was about habits of mind and habits of work. 
• Dying, what stories would you tell?

My Screenwriters Hall of Fame

in no particular order.

1. billy wilder
2. cameron crowe
3. william goldman
4. aaron sorkin
5. david peoples

Book Notes: No-Drama Discipline

by. D. Siegel and T. Payne.

Intro:

• whenever we discipline our kids, our overall goal is not to punish or to give a consequence, but to teach. Setting limits while still being emotionally attuned to our children. 
• Rethinking discipline ... not about punishment or control, but about teaching and skill building -- doing so from a place of love, respect and emotional connection. 
• Dual goals: 1. cooperation (short term); 2. help develop self-control, moral compass (long term).  Encouraging cooperation and building the brain. 
• No to behavior, yes to the child. Kids act, parents react, then kids react. Rinse, lather, repeat. Foundation of No-Drama Discipline: connect and redirect. 
• Connect with our children emotionally. Give our kids our attention, that we respect them enough to listen to them, we value their contribution. Deep empathic connection can and should with clear and firm boundaries that create needed structure in children's lives. 

Rethinking Discipline

• Three questions. Before you respond to misbehavior, ask yourself three simple questions: WHY did my child act this way? (approach with curiosity); 2. WHAT lesson do I want to teach in this moment? 3. HOW can I best teach this lesson? 
• Can't vs. Won't: Discipline isn't One-Size-Fits-All. Asking the three questions  helps us remember who our kids are and what they need. Discipline this one child in this one moment. 
• Too often we discipline on autopilot, we respond to a situation much more from our general state of mind than from what our child needs at that particular time. Easy to forget our children are just that -- children -- and expect behavior beyond their developmental capacity. 
• Can't vs. Won't. Huge percentage of misbehavior is more about can't than won't. 
• Strongly against spanking. Avoid any discipline approach that is aggressive, inflicts pain or creates fear or terror. 
• No time-outs. Practice handling a situation differently. Time-outs often fail to accomplish their objective, which is supposed to be for children to calm down and reflect on their behavior. Main thing kids reflect on while in time-out is how mean their parents are to have put them there. Too often time-outs aren't directly and logically linked to a particular behavior, which is key to effective learning. 
• Main objection to time-outs: child's profound need for connection. Sends conditional love message. 
• Parents need to be intentional about how they respond when their child misbehaves. 

Your Brain on Discipline

• Three Brain C's: 1. Brain is CHANGING; 2. Brain is CHANGEABLE; 3. Brain is COMPLEX.
• Check their book, Brainstorm. 
• Unfair to always expect her to handle herself well. We need to work hard to understand our children's point of view, their developmental stage, and what they are ultimately capable of. 
• Changeable: Neurons that fire together wire together. Experiences lead to changes in architecture of the brain.
• Complex: When we discipline with threats, we activate the defensive circuits of child's reactive reptilian downstairs brain. "Poking the lizard" -- leads to escalating emotions, for both parent and child. 
• We can't be in both reactive downstairs state and a receptive upstairs state at the same time. Move from reactivity to receptivity: name the emotion to tame it strategy. Help them engage their upstairs brain. Engage upstairs brain, don't enrage the downstairs brain. 
• They know that when they are upset or acting inappropriately, we're going to be there for them. And with them. 
• Give child opportunity to decide how to act, rather than simply telling them what he should do, he becomes a better decision maker. 
• Setting limits: We need to tolerate the tension and discomfort they may experience when we set a limit. But sometimes saying no is the most loving thing we can do. Much more effective than an outright no is a yes with a condition. 
• Every time our children misbehave, they give us an opportunity to understand them better, and get a better sense of what they need help learning. 

Connection is the Key

• Needed to connect. Needed to move out of the reactive state and into a receptive one, where he could hear his dad and learn. Sometimes we can avoid discipline by parenting proactively, rather than reactively. 
• Proactive: HALT before responding: is he Hungry? Angry? Lonely? or Tired?
• Connect first. Her actions, big emotions -- a message that she needs help. Bid for assistance and for connection. 
• We can ask ourselves before we begin redirecting and explicitly teaching: Is my child ready? Ready to hear me, ready to learn, ready to understand? If not, more connection is needed. 
• River of well-being: one side CHAOS, other shore is RIGIDITY. Center of the river is calmness. 
• Connecting: listening and providing lots of verbal and non-verbal empathy. Touching. Get them back to the peaceful flow of the middle of the river. 
• Connection should be our first response in virtually any disciplinary situation. 
• Tantrums. Plea for help. View them with empathy and compassion. They need us to be calm and nurturing. To connect. But with rules and boundaries, in a tone that communicates interest and curiosity instead of judgement and anger. 
• To connect is to share in your child's experience, to be present with him, to walk through this difficult time with him. 

Connection in Action.

• Response flexibility. Pause to think and to choose the best course of action. Lets us separate stimulus from response. Parent intentionally. Remaining mindful of meeting the needs of your child -- this particular child in this particular moment. Don't parent on autopilot or robotically. 
• Connection Principle #1: Turn down Shark Music. It takes us out of the present moment, causing us to practice fear-based parenting, on past expectations or future fears. Adjust our expectations; also pay attention to our own needs, desires, and past experiences. 
• Connection Principle #2: Chase the Why. Be a detective. Be curious. What's the reason behind the behavior. 
• Principle #3: What we say and How we say is important. TONE. 
• Strategy #1: Communicate comfort. Most nurturing takes place non-verbally. Get below child's eye level. 
• Strategy #2: Validate, validate, validate. Let them know we hear them. We get it. Attune to their experience. Resist temptation to deny or minimize what they are going through. Don't tell them how to feel. Perhaps identity and name their feeling, experience. 
• Strategy #3: Stop talking and listen. Talking often compounds the problem. Really listen to what she's saying. 
• Strategy #4: Reflect what you hear. 
• There are plenty of ways to spoil children -- by giving them too many things, by rescuing them from every challenge, by never allowing them to deal with defeat and disappointment -- but we can never spoil them by giving them too much of our love and attention. 

1-2-3 Discipline: Redirecting

• One definition, two principles, three outcomes. 
• Definition of Discipline -- about teaching, not about punishment.
• Two principles: 1. Wait until your child is ready (they are calm, alert, and receptive); 2. Be consistent but not rigid. Let them practice with do-overs.
• Three mindsight outcomes: 1. personal insight (better understand themselves and have more control over how they respond in difficult situations); 2. Empathy (how it impacts others, how others are feeling); 3. Integration and repair of rupture (how they can fix it, make it right?). Me, you, and we. 

Addressing Behavior

• Before you redirect: Keep calm and connect. Is my child ready? Also, am I ready? Pause, just pause. Take a breath. More emotionally responsive and effective to listen, emphathize, and really understand your child's experience before you respond. 
• Redirection strategy: R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T. 
• R - Reduce words; E - Embrace emotions. Emotions valid, not good or bad. Behavior can be bad. D - describe, don't preach (simply state what we observe); I - Involve your child in the discipline, start a Dialogue (that leads to insight, empathy and integration); R - reframe no into conditional yes; E - emphasize the positive (catch kids behaving well); C - creatively approach situation (sometimes humor, silliness); T - teach mindsight tools (upstairs/downstairs Hand-Brain model).
• Help kids develop a dual mode of processing the events that occur in their lives; be present with the experience AND able to observe what's going on -- as actor and director. 
• Sibling Chess. Don't take sides. 
• Upstairs - prefrontal region. 
• He wasn't thinking about his own behavior at all -- he was solely focused on my misbehavior. We need to be patient, understanding, and forgiving -- not only with our children, but with ourselves as well. 

From Whole-Brain Child

• We want our children to be happy, independent, and successful. Now think about what percentage of your time you spend intentionally developing these qualities in your children. Not enough time creating experiences that help children thrive. 
• Integration takes the distinct parts of the brain and helps them work together as a whole. 

Notes: Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

by M. Kondo.

• tidying marathon is best.
• tidying is just two things: deciding whether or not to dispose of something and deciding where to put it. If you can do these two things, you can achieve perfection. 
• storage myth
• tidying must start with discarding.
• tidy by category, not by place.
• tidying is a special event. Don't do it every day. 
• Examine each item you own, decide whether you want to keep or discard it, and then choose where to put what you keep.
• You only have to decide where to put things once. 
• tidy in the right order. Do not even think of putting your things away until you have finished the process of discarding. 
• secret of success is to tidy in one shot, as quickly and completely as possible, and to start by discarding. 
• visualize: think in concrete terms so that you can vividly picture what it would be like to live in a clutter-free space. 
• We should be choosing what we want to keep, not what we want to get rid of. Take each item in one's hand and ask: "Does this spark joy?" If it does, keep it. If not, dispose of it. 
• Gathering every item in one place is essential to this process. 
• Best sequence: clothes first, then books, papers, misc, and lastly, mementos. 
• Urge to point out someone else's failure to tidy is usually a sign that you are neglecting to take care of your own space. 
• You'll be surprised at how many things you possess have already fulfilled their role. Discard those that have outlived their purpose. 
• Out of season clothes -- "Would I want to wear it right away if the temperature suddenly changed? Do I want to see it again?"
• Don't downgrade to lounge wear. Only wear clothes you love. What you wear in the house does impact your self-image. 
• Clothing storage: By neatly folding your clothes, you can solve almost every problem related to storage. Act of folding -- an act of caring, an expression of love and appreciation for the way these clothes support your lifestyle. Therefore, when we fold, we should put our heart into it, thanking our clothes for protecting our bodies. 
• Folding is really a form of dialogue with our wardrobe. 
• How to fold: key is to store things standing up rather than laid flat. Goal is to fold each piece of clothing into a simple, smooth rectangle. 
• Arrange your clothes so that they rise to the right. Heavy items on the left side of the closet and light items on the right. As you move to the right, length of clothing grows shorter, material thinner, and color lighter. 
• By category, coats would be on far left, then dresses, jackets, pants, skirts, and blouses. Clothes slope up to the right. 
• Storing socks: Never, ever tie up your stockings. Never, ever ball up your socks. Shoebox is perfect divider. 
• Books. Goal -- bookshelf filled only with books that you really love. 
• Sorting papers: discard everything that doesn't fit into one of these three categories -- 1. currently in use; 2. needed for limited time; 3. must be kept indefinitely. 
• filing method: divide into two categories ... papers to be saved and papers that need to be dealt with. Make sure keep all papers in one spot. 
• Only need three categories: 1. needs attention; 2. should be saved (contractual documents); 3. should be saved (others). 
• Reduce until you reach the "clicking" point. 

Storing

• Designate a place for each thing. Existence of an item without a home multiplies the chances that your space will become cluttered again. 

Notes: Where You Go is not Who You'll Be

by Frank Bruni.

*on the whole anti-Ivy kick, and any anti-Admissions Mania, and the Track (prep, brand college, soulless job, etc)

• It's not where you went to school. It's how hard you work.
• But too many kids get to college and try to collapse it, to make it as comfortable and recognizable as possible. They replicate the friends and friendships they've previously enjoyed. They join groups that perpetuate their high school cliques. 
• College needs to be expansive adventure, propelling students toward unplumbed territory and untested identities rather than indulging and flattering who they already are. 
• the alumni of elite institutions were less clear about why they were at Harvard and what they wanted from it. For them it was the next box in a series that were dutifully checking over the course of their lives. 

[for me, it was the Ladder. Put a ladder in front of me and I would always climb it whether I wanted to or not, whether it had meaning or not. Some call it the Track; I call it the Ladder.]

• St. John's College (New Mexico and Maryland) -- [part of the Colleges that Change Lives book Need to look that book list up. I have actually heard of St. John's. But too Euro centric? Western canon based?]
• The world only cares about -- and pays off on -- what you can do with what you know (and it doesn't care how you learned it).  It also cares about a lot of SOFT SKILLS-- leadership, humility, collaboration, adaptability and loving to learn and re-learn. 
• How you use college. What you demand of it. 
• Excellent Sheep, W. Deresiewicz, and his essay, "Disadvantages of an Elite Education."
• There's ideally more to higher education than a springboard to high-paying careers, and an elite school composed almost entirely of young men and women who have aced the SATs or ACTs isn't likely to be the most exciting, eclectic stew of people or perspectives. It doesn't promise to challenge extant prejudices and topple old expectations. And that's largely because there's a surfeit of students who traveled to their elite destinations on an on-ramp of familiar perks and prods. 
• College: What it Was, Is, and Should be, Debanco. There was "germ of truth" to charge that elite colleges bred self-satisfaction and he wished they "encouraged more humility and less hubris."
• "I don't think it matters that much where you go." -- John Green, novelist. Went to Kenyon.
• It's not necessary to get into a highly selective school in order to be successful. What's necessary is to understand what you want and how to do it well, and to be a self-starter.
• College president rued a propensity to be very LINEAR in too many of today's overachievers. 
• I don't know people who've been successful who've worked in a straight line. 
• Fire over Formula: "If you are extremely smart but you're only partially engaged, you will be outperformed, and you should be, by people who are sufficiently smart but fully engaged." -- hedge fund CEO.
• What mattered most in the end was a true, deep attachment to whatever you're making, whatever you're selling, whatever you're doing. Intensity and stamina. Sheer determination. Synonym for HARD WORK. 
• We know that people are often defined as sharply by setbacks, and their responses to them. 

Zen Practice - Trying Again

Just finished reading Nothing Special, C.J. Beck. The best book on Zen I've read so far. Just exactly what I needed at this time.

Going to try again and sit. Perhaps in two or three years from now -- July 2015 -- I will make it to next stage of Practice.

The book is so clear. Sitting is boring. I'm not supposed to get anywhere. I'm not supposed to be a calm buddha. That might happen, but it's not the goal.

Sit. Breathe. Label the thoughts. Give up hope. Surrender the "I" and "self." No good or bad. No judgements. No "I." Keep sitting.