Intro:
- whenever we discipline our kids, our overall goal is not to punish or to give a consequence, but to teach. Setting limits while still being emotionally attuned to our children.
- Rethinking discipline ... not about punishment or control, but about teaching and skill building -- doing so from a place of love, respect and emotional connection.
- Dual goals: 1. cooperation (short term); 2. help develop self-control, moral compass (long term). Encouraging cooperation and building the brain.
- No to behavior, yes to the child. Kids act, parents react, then kids react. Rinse, lather, repeat. Foundation of No-Drama Discipline: connect and redirect.
- Connect with our children emotionally. Give our kids our attention, that we respect them enough to listen to them, we value their contribution. Deep empathic connection can and should with clear and firm boundaries that create needed structure in children's lives.
- Three questions. Before you respond to misbehavior, ask yourself three simple questions: WHY did my child act this way? (approach with curiosity); 2. WHAT lesson do I want to teach in this moment? 3. HOW can I best teach this lesson?
- Can't vs. Won't: Discipline isn't One-Size-Fits-All. Asking the three questions helps us remember who our kids are and what they need. Discipline this one child in this one moment.
- Too often we discipline on autopilot, we respond to a situation much more from our general state of mind than from what our child needs at that particular time. Easy to forget our children are just that -- children -- and expect behavior beyond their developmental capacity.
- Can't vs. Won't. Huge percentage of misbehavior is more about can't than won't.
- Strongly against spanking. Avoid any discipline approach that is aggressive, inflicts pain or creates fear or terror.
- No time-outs. Practice handling a situation differently. Time-outs often fail to accomplish their objective, which is supposed to be for children to calm down and reflect on their behavior. Main thing kids reflect on while in time-out is how mean their parents are to have put them there. Too often time-outs aren't directly and logically linked to a particular behavior, which is key to effective learning.
- Main objection to time-outs: child's profound need for connection. Sends conditional love message.
- Parents need to be intentional about how they respond when their child misbehaves.
- Three Brain C's: 1. Brain is CHANGING; 2. Brain is CHANGEABLE; 3. Brain is COMPLEX.
- Check their book, Brainstorm.
- Unfair to always expect her to handle herself well. We need to work hard to understand our children's point of view, their developmental stage, and what they are ultimately capable of.
- Changeable: Neurons that fire together wire together. Experiences lead to changes in architecture of the brain.
- Complex: When we discipline with threats, we activate the defensive circuits of child's reactive reptilian downstairs brain. "Poking the lizard" -- leads to escalating emotions, for both parent and child.
- We can't be in both reactive downstairs state and a receptive upstairs state at the same time. Move from reactivity to receptivity: name the emotion to tame it strategy. Help them engage their upstairs brain. Engage upstairs brain, don't enrage the downstairs brain.
- They know that when they are upset or acting inappropriately, we're going to be there for them. And with them.
- Give child opportunity to decide how to act, rather than simply telling them what he should do, he becomes a better decision maker.
- Setting limits: We need to tolerate the tension and discomfort they may experience when we set a limit. But sometimes saying no is the most loving thing we can do. Much more effective than an outright no is a yes with a condition.
- Every time our children misbehave, they give us an opportunity to understand them better, and get a better sense of what they need help learning.
- Needed to connect. Needed to move out of the reactive state and into a receptive one, where he could hear his dad and learn. Sometimes we can avoid discipline by parenting proactively, rather than reactively.
- Proactive: HALT before responding: is he Hungry? Angry? Lonely? or Tired?
- Connect first. Her actions, big emotions -- a message that she needs help. Bid for assistance and for connection.
- We can ask ourselves before we begin redirecting and explicitly teaching: Is my child ready? Ready to hear me, ready to learn, ready to understand? If not, more connection is needed.
- River of well-being: one side CHAOS, other shore is RIGIDITY. Center of the river is calmness.
- Connecting: listening and providing lots of verbal and non-verbal empathy. Touching. Get them back to the peaceful flow of the middle of the river.
- Connection should be our first response in virtually any disciplinary situation.
- Tantrums. Plea for help. View them with empathy and compassion. They need us to be calm and nurturing. To connect. But with rules and boundaries, in a tone that communicates interest and curiosity instead of judgement and anger.
- To connect is to share in your child's experience, to be present with him, to walk through this difficult time with him.
- Response flexibility. Pause to think and to choose the best course of action. Lets us separate stimulus from response. Parent intentionally. Remaining mindful of meeting the needs of your child -- this particular child in this particular moment. Don't parent on autopilot or robotically.
- Connection Principle #1: Turn down Shark Music. It takes us out of the present moment, causing us to practice fear-based parenting, on past expectations or future fears. Adjust our expectations; also pay attention to our own needs, desires, and past experiences.
- Connection Principle #2: Chase the Why. Be a detective. Be curious. What's the reason behind the behavior.
- Principle #3: What we say and How we say is important. TONE.
- Strategy #1: Communicate comfort. Most nurturing takes place non-verbally. Get below child's eye level.
- Strategy #2: Validate, validate, validate. Let them know we hear them. We get it. Attune to their experience. Resist temptation to deny or minimize what they are going through. Don't tell them how to feel. Perhaps identity and name their feeling, experience.
- Strategy #3: Stop talking and listen. Talking often compounds the problem. Really listen to what she's saying.
- Strategy #4: Reflect what you hear.
- There are plenty of ways to spoil children -- by giving them too many things, by rescuing them from every challenge, by never allowing them to deal with defeat and disappointment -- but we can never spoil them by giving them too much of our love and attention.
- One definition, two principles, three outcomes.
- Definition of Discipline -- about teaching, not about punishment.
- Two principles: 1. Wait until your child is ready (they are calm, alert, and receptive); 2. Be consistent but not rigid. Let them practice with do-overs.
- Three mindsight outcomes: 1. personal insight (better understand themselves and have more control over how they respond in difficult situations); 2. Empathy (how it impacts others, how others are feeling); 3. Integration and repair of rupture (how they can fix it, make it right?). Me, you, and we.
- Before you redirect: Keep calm and connect. Is my child ready? Also, am I ready? Pause, just pause. Take a breath. More emotionally responsive and effective to listen, emphathize, and really understand your child's experience before you respond.
- Redirection strategy: R-E-D-I-R-E-C-T.
- R - Reduce words; E - Embrace emotions. Emotions valid, not good or bad. Behavior can be bad. D - describe, don't preach (simply state what we observe); I - Involve your child in the discipline, start a Dialogue (that leads to insight, empathy and integration); R - reframe no into conditional yes; E - emphasize the positive (catch kids behaving well); C - creatively approach situation (sometimes humor, silliness); T - teach mindsight tools (upstairs/downstairs Hand-Brain model).
- Help kids develop a dual mode of processing the events that occur in their lives; be present with the experience AND able to observe what's going on -- as actor and director.
- Sibling Chess. Don't take sides.
- Upstairs - prefrontal region.
- He wasn't thinking about his own behavior at all -- he was solely focused on my misbehavior. We need to be patient, understanding, and forgiving -- not only with our children, but with ourselves as well.
- We want our children to be happy, independent, and successful. Now think about what percentage of your time you spend intentionally developing these qualities in your children. Not enough time creating experiences that help children thrive.
- Integration takes the distinct parts of the brain and helps them work together as a whole.
