Wow. One of the best parenting books I've read so far. Makes me want to read the Torah next.
- In the Jewish mystical principle of tsimstsum - spiritual model of slowly relinquishing control over our children. "contraction of divine energy."
- If we overprotect them, we enslave them with our fears. Give them freedom to develop through overcoming difficulties.
- Our kids are on loan from God. They don't belong to us. We need to teach them to leave us. Not to make them happy but to make them competent to survive in the world.
- 20 minutes -- max and minimum we should be thinking about their education.
- Jewish principles of Moderation, Celebration and Sanctification. And don't criticize or make fun of their choices.
- Having the courage to NOT to overprotect and pamper them means sometimes they will be uncomfortable and unhappy -- but that will lead to growth and development.
- Let them solve their own problems. k
- Needs vs. Wants. They are entitled to: respectful treatment, healthful food, shelter, comfortable clothes, and doc and dentist visits and good education ... everything else is a Want.
- Respect their desire but we can still say NO.
- Gratitudes / say blessings.
- Magical parenting word, "Let's ..."
- When they get "immediate satisfaction" - kids get "spoiled", and what gets spoiled is capacity for waiting, satisfaction, gratitude. They also become "spoilers."
- Right actions. Deed over creed (belief).
- "Learn by doing." Chores.
- Your child and you. Your character traits will boomerang back at you when you become a parent, reflected in your children's behavior.
- Channeling the Yetzer Hara. Bad traits into good ones.
- Don't be overly demanding. Avoid using words always and never. According to Jewish law, certain mitzvot (commanded actions) can be performed imperfectly. Asking them to do something, don't be over-critical and expect them to do it perfectly.
- Success motivates. Make it easy for them to succeed. Remove stumbling blocks.
- Don't try to provide instant solutions to your child's problems; instead, be quiet and listen.
- Talk less and act more. Be a role model, not a lecturer.
- One minute rebuke: Tell consequence of her behavior. Be silent and evaluate child's reaction. Offer an opportunity to make amends. Finally, touch your child to remind her of your love. Hug her and let her know you are not harboring resentment.
- When rebuke is not enough. Judaism holds that children should only be punished if they have been forewarned and know what to expect if they misbehave.
- Reframing: If ... then to When ... then. (if you don't X, then you can't Y to When you X, then you can Y.)
- The purpose of discipline is to teach both new attitudes and new behaviors. Making amends is a a good way to help children what they did wrong, because child is required to actively undo or repair the unacceptable behavior.
- try to make amends using whatever faculty he employed to commit the pesha.
- Miriam Adahan had a simple formula for effective parenting: one-third love, one-third law, and one-third sitting on your hands. Sitting on hands -- blind eye to minor transgressions, picking battles. Law -- tough and unyielding, perhaps tougher than feels comfortable.
- Developing middot (good character traits) is a lifelong process. Raising children will help you build middot, because changing their bad behavior will probably require you to change yourself.
- Judaism has a blueprint for rest, reflection, and renewal. It is called Shabbat.
- We speed up our lives unintentionally in order to escape feeling helpless in the face of overwhelming problems or inner struggles. May explain why the whole day of rest is terrifying to so many people. We're not afraid of losing time but of having time to reflect. Without the usual distractions and interference, we may have to confront feelings of disappointment, loneliness, frustration, panic, helplessness, and exhaustion, and our fear that we are not strong enough to make the changes we need to make.
- Homework time formula: should increase 10 minutes for every grade, starting from Kindergarten. i.e. 1st Grade - 20 min. / 5th Grade - one hour.
- Time to Connect. Once each day, pay attention. Stop everything else you are doing, get down to her eye level, and put your hand on her shoulder. Look at her. Listen to her.
- They need to learn boredom management skills. We have to work hard not to provide our children with interesting things to do. They need a chance to build up their boredom tolerance muscle.
- Marriage first, then children. Need to have time alone with your spouse.
- In Judaism, doubting God is built into the theology.
- If you wish your child to study Torah, study it yourself in their presence. They will follow your example.
- Take the long view in measuring our children. Not by their grades, mood or social standing. Look at their capacity for reverence, for gratitude, and for compassion.
- If you don't want to get caught up in the anxiety, materialism, and competition all around us, you must choose some path to walk on with your children. You must name it, follow it, and plan the curriculum for their spiritual education.
From the Recommended Reading List
- Hurried Child, D. Elkind
- Reviving Ophelia, M. Pipher
- When Bad Things Happen to Good People, H. Kushner
- Child's Bible, A. Edwards
- Torah, Modern Commentary, W. Gunther Plaut
- Your Eight-Year-Old (series of books), L. Bates.
- Weslandia, P. Fleishchman
- Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, J. Wallerstein and S. Blakeslee.
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