Notes: Five Love Languages

by G. Chapman. 

1. Words of Affirmation
2. Quality Time
3. Receiving Gifts
4. Acts of Service
5. Physical Touch

• People speak different love languages.
• We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language (LL) if we are to be effective communicators. 
• Five ways people speak and understand emotional love. 
• Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary LL. 
• Keep "Love Tank" full. Emotional tank. Inside every child an emotional tank waiting to be filled.
• Falling in Love. Bad info that "in love" obsession would last forever. Lasts an average 2 years. Is not real love. 
• Real love: emotional but not obsessional. An act of will, requires discipline, recognizes the need for personal growth. 
• Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another. True love cannot begin until the "in love" experience has run its course. 
• LL#1: Statements of affirmation. Verbal compliments. The object of love is not getting something you want but doing something for the well-being of the one you love. Also, encouraging words, which "inspire courage."
• Kind words. Tone of voice. 
• When wronged, I have the option of justice or forgiveness. Forgiveness is the way of love. 
• Many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday, and in so doing, they pollute a potentially wonderful day. We cannot erase the past, but we can accept it as history. We can choose to live today free from the failures of yesterday. Forgiveness is not a a feeling; it's a commitment. Forgiveness is an expression of love. 
• Humble words. Love makes requests, not demands. Within LL#1, many dialects. 
• LL#2: Quality Time. Giving someone your undivided attention. QT is togetherness, not just proximity. It's focused attention. Dialect -- quality conversation. Words of affirmation focuses on what we are saying, quality conversation on what we are hearing. 
• We are trained to analyze problems and create solutions. Marriage is a relationship, not a project to be completed or a problem to solve. 
• Art of listening. a. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking. b. Don't listen and do something else at the same time. c. Listen for feelings. d. Observe body language. e. Refuse to interrupt. 
• Learning to talk. Quality conversation requires not only sympathetic listening but also self-revelation. Reveal feelings. 
• Two personalities. 1. Babbling Brook - non-stop Talker; 2. Dead Sea - silent. 
• Daily sharing. Three things that happen to you and how you feel about them. 
• Quality activities. Expresses love by being together. 
• LL#3: Receiving Gifts. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift. All five LL challenges us to give to our spouse. 
• LL#4: Acts of Service. Express love by doing things for her. Requests give direction to love, but demands stop the flow of love. Love is a choice and cannot be coerced. People tend to criticize their spouse most loudly in the area where they themselves have the deepest emotional need. Criticism often needs clarification. 
• LL#5: Physical Touch. Tip: greet her when she comes home, one step closer than usual. 
• Discovering my own LL. 1. What makes you feel most loved? or Negative use of LL. What hurts you deeply? 2. What have I most often request of my spouse? 3. What I do or say to express love. 
• Your picture of a perfect mate should give you an idea of your primary LL. 
• Love is a choice. Falling in love not a choice. Lasts less than 2 years. Meeting my wife's need for love is a choice I make each day. Almost never do two people fall in love on the same day, and almost never do they fall out of love on the same day. 
• When an action doesn't come naturally, it's a greater expression of love. Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. 
• Love the unlovely. Anger held inside becomes hate. "Love your enemies. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Give, and it will be given to you." -- J. Christ. 
• Children and LL. Almost all sexual misconduct in adolescents is rooted in an empty emotional love tank. Observe your children. Watch how they express love to others. Note the request they make. Each child is different. 
• Take the profile test at Fivelovelanguages.com.